UN Declares Slave Labor Illegal; Except For Designer Clothes and Basketball Shoes

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In an effort to reduce slave labor in China, North Korea and throughout Africa, the United Nations has crafted the, “Slavery Elimination/Reduction Policy Statement.” It sets up a series of guidelines for nation-states throughout the world to eliminate slavery, except in the case where the products produced are highly coveted by Western Caucasian elite or designed for inner city youth and hip hop culture.

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The Legality Of Some Slave Labor Questioned, But Not All

UN Secretary General, António Guterres said, “Something is better than nothing, I suppose; and based on China’s excellent history of upholding international agreements and their concern for the inalienable rights of all, we expect this initiative to work swimmingly. That is, unless your a Muslim in China and your sweatshop makes clothes for the rich.

Nike CEO, John Donahoe lauded the agreement saying, “this is a tremendous step forward for the rights of all workers and a eventually we’ll care about the really really poor, but not for now.”

This post first appeared on The Stonk Market

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article.