Exclusive Interview With Nancy Pelosi’s Stock Broker

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The Stonk Market has obtained an exclusive interview with Nancy Pelosi’s stock broker. This is the first and only interview out there. Names have been changed to protect identities.

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Disclaimer: This is a satirical article.

How Did You Meet Nancy Pelosi?

I first met Nancy at a high-end bar in the Los Angeles area. I’d come to the bar to drown my sorrows. At the time I was a failing stock broker. In the business for almost a year with little to show for it. I was struggling. My wife was threatening to leave me. And I was depressed. The year was 1993.

After a few Long Island’s I noticed pretty lady sitting at the bar. She was wearing a $750 yellow cashmere sweater. Pearl necklace and plastic surgery made her an LA beauty. I could tell she came from wealth and power. She carried herself like a pit bull carries a limp child in its mouth. Confidence and pride. After introducing myself I found out she was a U.S. Representative for California.

Was Nancy Into Stocks Back Then?

Oh boy was she ever. After telling her that I was a broker for a major U.S. bank her eyes lit up. She asked me if I was taking on any new clients and when I told her I was struggling to find clients she grabbed me by the inner thigh and whispered in my ear, “oh honey, I’m going to make you a rich man.”

She asked me for my business card then promptly left, stumbling her way out on the smooth marble floor. I can still remember the way those legs looked in the LA moon.

What Happened Next?

Nothing. I didn’t hear from her for over a month. I thought she must have forgotten about me. I mean she was pretty drunk at the time. But when I thought I would never hear from Nancy Pelosi again I got a strange call.

“Bobby, It’s Nancy P as in Pleasure from the bar. Please place a $250,000 bid on Microsoft. If it keeps dipping continue to buy under $15. I will go up to $750,000. My assistant will be in touch to set up an account later today. Thanks Mr. Bobby.”

The phone then hung up. I usually wouldn’t buy stocks without an account being setup first but I had nothing to lose. I was about to be fired so there was only upside.

Did You Keep Trading For Nancy?

Yes. It was incredible. After that day I was receiving calls from Nancy multiple times per day. Sometimes even in the middle of the night. We were trading heavy volume all week. In and out of stocks like a coked up day trader. Moving millions. My financial life was changed forever. I went from the worst performer at my job to the highest earner for 15 years in a row. And I only traded Nancy’s account. Nancy said that if I exclusively traded with her I would be set for life. She wanted me all to herself.

What Was It Like Trading Stocks For Nancy Pelosi?

To be honest, it was a nightmare. Sure, the money was great. My wife didn’t end up leaving me and we moved to a $5 million penthouse in Santa Monica. The lifestyle was to die for. But the work life balance. Let me tell you man. It was absolute hell.

I would receive calls all day from her. When she’d call it always started the same, “Bobby, its Nancy P for Pleasure, got a second?”

She would then rattle on about some deals she was pushing through D.C. Would want me to figure out what kind of penny stocks would benefit the most. I’d spend hours digging into these obscure stocks. When I couldn’t find any good ways her dealings in D.C. would benefit any sector she would show up to my house in the middle of the night and slap me across the face with her wet pantyhose. It was embarrassing and tiring. But the money was good. Real good.

How Much Were You Trading For Her?

Millions man. Multimillions everyday. My commission checks were out of this would. I was buying Lambos and hookies on the daily.

Was It All Work No Play?

No, but I wish it was. Here’s the thing. Nancy liked to drink wine and eat ice cream. A lot of wine and a lot of ice cream. On weekends she’d end up calling me in the middle of the day and ask me to come over with a few bags of $5 dollar wine and Moosetracks Ice Cream. She’d offer me $10,000-20,000 per day depending on how she felt to spend the day with her. When I’d arrive the only thing she would be in was a red silk nighty. Those legs. Oh man those legs. But as a good Christian boy all I could do was look and feed her ice cream while she sipped on wine. Then I’d rush to the church and pray my sins away. It was a terrible as a married god devoted good Christian boy. I’ll tell ya, those legs were made for sinning. Straight from the devil’s tongue.

Do You Still Trade For Nancy?

I recently retired after all of the press involving the insider dealings in Washington. I didn’t need to get myself caught up in that. I also became a billionaire during my 30 plus years of working with Nancy. Turned my book of business over to a younger associate. That younger associate and I talk sometimes. Nancy still loves her wine, ice cream and is a very nice temptress in her red silk nighty. I don’t think the young associate is a Christian boy like I am. I have prayed very hard to Jesus that he doesn’t knock Nancy P for Pleasure up. That would be very troubling.

This post first appeared on The Stonk Market

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article.