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JPMorgan Chase Hires Teen Executive To Pitch Bitcoin Fund to Old Wealthy Investors

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JPMorgan Chase has made a major move in the crypto world, after creating a private Bitcoin fund for wealthy clients. This fund is geared towards older white men in their early 90s,  so naturally JPMorgan had trouble pitching it to prospective clients. However, JPMorgan has found their solution, they have hired knowledgeable businessman and TikTok star Teen Executive to pitch the fund to their older investors.

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Disclaimer: This is a satirical article.

Teen Executive Pitches Bitcoin Fund

“Teen Executive is a sweet kid, he really sold me on this Bitcoin schmuck.” JPMorgan investor Jeffery Epstein said.

Since the hiring of Teen Executive, JPMorgan has reported they’ve been able to boost internal Bitcoin investments by 39% in the span of two months, way ahead of their schedule.

In a statement given to The Stonk Market, Teen Executive said “brrrr bitcoin only go up haha brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I steal ketchup packets. Where lambo.”

This post first appeared on The Stonk Market


Disclaimer: This is a satirical article.