Andrew Cuomo Announces Plans to Open A Hybrid Strip Club/Pizza Place Where People can Be “Perverted AND Italian”

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New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo announced Tuesday he will resign from office after a scathing report from the state’s attorney general documented multiple accusations of sexual harassment against women.

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Disclaimer: This is a satirical article.

Andrew Cuomo Ignores The Reason For Being Impeached

In a long-winded explanation that he somehow felt qualified as an apology, Cuomo rambled on endlessly about COVID and how much he loved New York, all while almost entirely glossing over the reason he was being impeached.

At least there was not a montage of diverse hugs and kisses playing in the background this time.

Cuomo closed out his press conference and effectively his political career, saying, “Given the circumstances, the best way I can help now is if I step aside and let government get back to government, and therefore that is what I’ll do, because I work for you, and doing the right thing, is doing the right thing for you.”

He did not, however, close the door on a post-political career. After all, the multimillionaire does a family to feed.

And feed them, he plans to do—on the back of a new business venture, Juicy Pepperonis.

An R-Rated Pizza Place

Think of J.P. (what Cuomo and his business partners refer to it as) as an R-rated pizza place, where the wealthy are free to be as perverted and Italian as they want. It will feature scantily clad waitresses and dancers, as well as enough pasta, pizza, and red wine to numb the pain of any public embarrassment.

When asked if he was worried about the Delta Variant posing a threat to his future business, Cuomo looked unphased and said he had a good feeling that Juicy Pepperonis would be categorized as an essential business. Cuomo then winked into the camera and walked off stage right.

This post first appeared on The Stonk Market

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article.