Goldman Sachs Securtizes Public Unrest

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Shares of The Goldman Sachs Group, Inc. (“GS”, “Goldman”, or “the Company”) soared on news today that Goldman had managed to securitize public unrest in the country.  Proceeds from the offering will be used for bricks, Molotov cocktails and any other items the rioters need.  Investors in the offering will receive shares in the looting based on their investor class – i.e. Class A, Class B, Class C and Preferred Series A stock.

“We feel this is another way that Goldman Sachs leads its peers in value creation, and as riots and unrest increase, we can potentially leverage this offering in many parts of the developed world,” CEO David Solomon told reporters.

An S-1 is expected to be filed later today giving accredited investors further details on the offering.  Goldman anticipates raising $15 billion in the first tranche offering for Class A stock.  Secondary offerings are expected to raise an additional $2.5 billion each.

David Solomon continued, “this is an important next step into diversifying into growth areas.  We expect the total addressable market for public unrest to approach $2 trillion by the end of 2025.  As a first mover into securtizing public unrest, we believe we can capture 50% of this market.”

In a few months, Goldman plans to package and sell the securitized pubic unrest to retail investors as a safe haven blue chip security through a synthetic security.

JPMorgan Chase & Co. (“JPM”), Morgan Stanley (“MS”) and Citigroup Inc. (“C”) all announced at the close they too are working on securtizing public unrest.

Deutsche Bank AG (“DB”) on the other hand said it is working on securtizing popular OnlyFan accounts cash flow streams to sell to Robinhood investors.

 

This article is satire

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