“Why try to stop my friends and family from taking a deadly New World Order vaccine when I could instead position my portfolio accordingly for a mass depopulation scenario?” says Adam Taylor, 34.
Adam, a former freedom fighter and avid Alex Jones listener, came to the realization during an anti-CDC rally on Monday. “The seed was really planted in my mind when I heard the news of John Mcafee’s suicide. I started thinking then and there, you know, maybe I’m not willing to die for this cause after all. Maybe I can think of a way to live a little more comfortably on my knees for the long haul.”
Once the brief moral crisis passed the only thing left to solve was how to profit from global enslavement and mass extinction. “I really had to take a step back from my ideals and just look at the world through the lense of these billionaire psychopaths. Kind of just like… if I was participating in spirit cooking and satanic rituals, what would I invest in today?”
If you’d like to build a balanced portfolio around the inevitable enslavement of humanity our financial experts have put together the below points to guide you:
Curse those evil pharmaceutical companies profiting off of a global pandemic… right? Wrong. With Johnson and Johnson’s (ticker: JNJ) 2.45% dividend yield and 6% year over year dividend growth rate those could be YOUR profits from a global pandemic.
Once the world starts depopulating everyone will need to pitch in. Owning a cremation/urn business is a great way to help out. Note: Important to avoid investing in funeral homes as they will most likely be bottlenecked from the coming genocide.
The climate is in crisis and we must all watch our carbon footprint – unless you’re a billionaire. The global elite love islands far away from the peasants and the best way to get there is a private jet. Now is the time to position your portfolio for the next Jeffery Epstein by investing in private airlines.
When the food stops flowing and people begin to starve there’s no better place to be in than the Consumer Staples sector. Consider buying Vanguard Consumer Staples Index Fund ETF (ticker: VDC) with a low expense ratio of just .10%. Think of the relief you’ll have knowing you control the supply lines as your malnourished neighbors eat the grass in their yard.
Those death camps aren’t going to build themselves! Investing in a construction company can be an exciting way to turn a short term profit. After the world is depopulated be sure to shift your investments from new construction to remodeling where you’ll use your creativity for the reimagining of empty schools and churches into industrial factories.
80% of the world is wiped out and you really think Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos are going to tolerate you for much longer? Your best bet is to purchase Global X Robotics & Artificial Intelligence ETF (ticker: BOTZ) giving you first in line privilege to upload your consciousness to an immortal robotic body.
We’re confident that whichever approach you choose you’ll be well positioned to be a somewhat financially healthy serf in the coming totalitarian state.
This post first appeared on The Stonk Market
Disclaimer: This is a satirical article.