You may have noticed the recent debate on whether 2 + 2 is always equal to 4 or not. If you haven’t, let me summarize it for you.
There are a couple mathematicians making the claim that “2 + 2 = 5” is sometimes a legitimate claim, and the thought that “2 + 2 = 4” is always the case is due to thousands of years of white male objectivity.
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GAAP Accounting Is Now Being Amended
Due to this unprecedented discovery, GAAP accounting is now being amended. The Financial Accounting Standards Board recently put out a claim stating:
In order to accommodate the lived experience of all folx, we have amended GAAP accounting in order to create a more inclusive regulation. 2 + 2 = 5 has been shown to be accurate at times, and we want to make sure that we create a precedent for correctness in our policies.
The new accounting standards are slated to be rolled out during early 2021. The change is monumental. In addition, the new standards go on to say that EBITDA will be adjusted from experience surveys of employees and customers, in order to allow for goodwill and humanitarian intentions.
Investors braced themselves for a new world order, selling stocks like it was 1987. This new world order, one in which goodwill and public opinion are the main factors for stock price appreciation.
With these changes, the Financial Accounting Standard Board has set an incredibly progressive policy and created an avenue for stock prices to be valued on the lived experiences of their employees and customers.
No longer will valuation models be based on profitability and growth, but will account for the attitudes and values that their employees and customers perceive.
This satire article first appeared on The Stonk Market
Disclaimer: This is a satirical article.