President Trump flew to New York on Monday to begin a one-week tour of the neighborhoods in America most affected by the stock market crash in March.
Trump Visits Neighborhoods Affected By Stock Market Crash
The first stop of the tour took place on a rooftop on Park Avenue where the President met with families and community leaders and listened to their experiences from the horrific weeks when the Dow plunged over 8,000 points.
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A mother of 3 children recalled her shock to the President when she received a margin call from her broker after the close on Black Thursday. “The market had been rallying for the past 10 years that we completely forgot we bought those shares on margin. We begged our broker to give us few more days to come up with additional equity, but when the market opened lower the next day, they liquidated our entire portfolio at a 60% loss,” the mother said as she held her 6-month old crying baby boy.
The President responded, “You have my word as a father and your President that I will not rest until we hold China accountable for the damage it has done to the future inheritance of your children.”
The President then flew to Greenwich, Connecticut to meet with small business leaders (hedge funds with less than $500 million in AUM). Sources say Trump told his staff to make sure members of the underprivileged value investor community were present and visible in all photos.
President Trump Visits Poor Neighborhoods in Greenwich
One long-only deep-value hedge fund manager described his struggles managing a small business during the pandemic, “I shudder every time my phone rings out of fear it might be a client redemption request. My AUM has been declining for the past 5 years. My wife and I had to enroll our son in a public school just to make ends meet. The value investor community has been struggling long before the virus existed, but the pandemic made our situation more visible to the world.”
Another value investor added, “I play by the rules. I do my research. I never pay more than 5x P/E. I read “The Intelligent Investor” every night before I sleep and make the annual pilgrimage to Omaha, Nebraska for the Berkshire Hathaway shareholder meeting. But every day Amazon and Tesla stock go up and my gas station stocks barely make inflation. The system is rigged against the little guys, Mr. President.”
In a White House press conference after the meetings, reporters questioned the timing of Trump’s tour given that the market crashed in March and asked if the upcoming election was the true driver.
White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany pushed back against these allegations saying, “The President follows the situation in equity markets every day and was hoping (like every real American) that investors would buy the dip. Unfortunately, and to the surprise of many, this did not happen and many Americans are struggling today because of that.”
“This has nothing to do with politics,” she added. “It’s basic humanity.”
This article first appeared on The Stonk Market
Disclaimer: This is a satirical article.