Virgin Galactic Shares are up 24% in pre-market trading after Sir Richard Branson’s space company was able to send crack cocaine to the moon without it losing its chemical integrity. The engineers at Virgin Galactic have spent months developing a “super crack” that can withstand radiation affecting the compound once leaving the Earth’s atmosphere.
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Super Crack As An Offering To Aliens
“It is our plan to use this super crack as an offering to aliens.” Branson said, “If they are high as shit when they visit us perhaps they’ll reconsider using the death beam and realizing humanity has more to offer than war and racism. Like super crack.” Branson added.
It is unclear how legal this operation was, but a spokesman for the FDA said there is no law restricting super crack in space because it has a different chemical make-up than actual crack cocaine which is banned by the federal government. “Because Super Crack cannot be easily synthesized in a kitchen by bla-, by people. It is no reason for it to be illegal just yet, it isn’t actively harming anyone in space, allowing Virgin Galactic a legal loophole” a spokesman for the FDA said.
Many Wallstreetbets Reddit users were happy to hear this news as they bought call options in anticipation for this test, one user saying “Oh man I’m gonna smoke so much crack with the payday I’m about to get, thanks Richard!”
This post first appeared on The Stonk Market
Disclaimer: This is a satirical article.
