Elon Musk Turns to the Belgians to Help Motivate Congolese Cobalt Miners

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In another stroke of brilliance Elon Musk has turned to the Belgians to motivate Congolese cobalt miners. Following in the footsteps of the late great King Leopold II of Belgium, the Belgians have promised to triple productivity while keeping labor costs practically at zero.

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Disclaimer: This is a satirical article.

As we all know fossil fuels are dead! Instead of drilling for climate destroying dinosaur juice, climate conscious advocates such as Mr. Musk are leading the way towards a renewable future. With over half the world’s cobalt originating from the Democratic Republic of the Congo (DRC), securing this valuable resource is critical to humanity’s advance into a multi planetary sociality. Thus, to ensure that Elon can build his own condo on Mars, away from the poors and that pedo guy, it is paramount that precious metals such as cobalt are mined in the most efficient way.

Motivating Cobalt Miners

While most cobalt in the DRC is mined using trucks powered by climate eradicating fossil fuels, a new zero-emissions approach is now being used. “Artisanal” miners, those that work solely using their hands is now the current craze. With newly employed artisanal mining methods the entire community now as the opportunity (unless they want to lose a limb to a Belgian machete) to take part in the green revolution. Before only a select few had the tools such as trucks and industrial diggers to mine cobalt but with today’s new innovative approach the young, old and everyone in between is “motivated” to mine cobalt.

While some criticism has been directed at the exploitation of minors to produce luxury vehicles driven by PPP loan recipients such as Ross Gerber, the underlying fact is that climate change hurts those most vulnerable. By slave labor, oops I mean working, these children are simply securing their future from a climate disaster. While many of these children from the DRC aren’t supporting climate action to the same degree as western children do with their yachting and skipping school, their contribution, while much less heroic, is still of note. Going out to collect rocks in the sunshine all day while being able to splash around in the occasional puddle filled with run-off water basically sounds like a vacation compared to the challenges of 1st world society.

Thanks to the modern forward looking ideas of Elon Musk along with century old wisdom supplied by the Belgians it is safe to say that the world’s supply of clean and ethically sourced cobalt and other rare earth minerals is here to stay!

This post first appeared on The Stonk Market

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article.