How Politicians Say Everything Without Saying Anything


With the imminent threat of yet another U.S. military action overseas, the parade of politicians talking to the public will only grow. As the administration tries desperately to sell the masses and other politicians on an attack in Syria, the double-talk and rhetoric is sure to get louder. Despite the fact that the U.S. already has ships in place, the White House is doing its best to convince voters and the rest of the World that this is a necessary objective.

Thankfully we have the following guide to political foreign policy gibberish, enabling everyone to understand what those elected officials are really saying when they aren’t really saying much.

“We’re evaluating the situation”: We still haven’t done anything.

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“Events on the ground are fluid”: If I articulate an official position on what’s happening, somebody could get upset with my word choice.

“All options are on the table”: Bombs.

“We can’t rule anything out”: We retain the right to do anything and everything.

“Our position has been very clear”: Let me re-read some nonspecific generalizations from the briefing book that don’t address your question.

“We welcome this debate”: After harnessing the federal government’s resources to hide the issue, we’re going to dilute it with adjectives, already-public information, and selective leaking.

“We have serious concerns”: The harshest possible condemnation of an American ally.

“Intolerable”: Tolerable — obviously, since we’re still only talking about it.

“Policy X is not aimed at any one country”: Policy X is aimed at China or Iran.

“We’re in close consultation with X”: We’re going through the pretense of listening to others in an effort to spread the blame and burden.

 ”I would refer you to…” (version one): See the earlier comments by a senior official that do not address your question.

“I would refer you to…” (version two): See the spokesperson at another agency who also will not answer your question.

“I haven’t read that report yet”: We all read and discussed the report first thing this morning, but it raises uncomfortable questions that I won’t address.

“Person X is free to speak their mind”: Person X still doesn’t fully appreciate our very clear position; such people are often characterized as having “an agenda.”

“I think you’re reading too much into this”: Any news item conflicting with White House policy.

“I’m not in a position to comment here”: An anonymous “official” can fill you in via a well-placed leak momentarily.

“I don’t have anything for you on that”: That is a particularly uncomfortable question that of course I will not answer.

“I’m not going to prejudge the outcome”: Deferring the articulation of any comments to describe an upcoming event.

“That’s an excellent question”: The opening response to every non-answer.

“I will look into that”: I probably won’t look into that, but feel free to ask again at tomorrow’s press briefing.


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