Dennis Farina Departs, Royal Baby Boy Arrives

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Depending on where you’re from, you’ve either lost the best mustache since Magnum P.I. with the death of Dennis Farina, or gained a syphilitic royal with a host of recessive genes. With the birth of the still unnamed, or at least unannounced infant, England will be home to three heirs to the monarchy for the first time since 1894.

Dennis Farina Departs, Royal Baby Boy Arrives

Birth of the royal baby

The royal child was born at 4:24 p.m. London time, about 10½ hours after Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge, entered St. Mary’s Hospital in central London in the early stages of labor. Palace officials said the infant weighed 8 pounds, 6 ounces.

Of course, we’re all happy that the child was born healthy.

Barring something dramatic, the royal baby should one day rule over both England, and 15 other countries outside of the U.K. that recognize the monarchy, as King.

Betting sites are beginning their payouts based on sex and birth weight but remain at the ready as a name is certain to be announced in the near future. Town criers in both London and Epcot center are growing hoarse, as billions of others continue their work days with a simple, “Hmm another kid in the world.”

Following tradition, the public announcement of the House of Windsor’s newest arrival was withheld until the queen and senior members of the royal family were notified. It was then posted on paper on an easel at Buckingham Palace and on social media networks worldwide.

In theory, England could see Royal Baby memorabilia reaching sales of $350 million almost recouping the losses of the countrywide shutdown from last year’s Jubilee celebrations for the new child’s grandmother.

Prince William’s statement

Prince William, just seconds ago and fully-clothed, released his first statement saying, “We couldn’t be happier.”

Oh come on, he likes to get naked and photographed. He’s like Ewan McGregor in independent films where he can show off his junk.

There will be plenty of white stiletto heels on the backs of many an Essex man as the country celebrates and Essex girls celebrate yet another reason to be easy in the summertime.

My personal celebrations will be limited to the writing of Dennis Farina’s departure.

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About the Author

Brendan Byrne
While studying economics, Brendan found himself comfortably falling down the rabbit hole of restaurant work, ultimately opening a consulting business and working as a private wine buyer. On a whim, he moved to China, and in his first week following a triumphant pub quiz victory, he found himself bleeding on the floor based on his arrogance. The same man who put him there offered him a job lecturing for the University of Wales in various sister universities throughout the Middle Kingdom. While primarily lecturing in descriptive and comparative statistics, Brendan simultaneously earned an Msc in Banking and International Finance from the University of Wales-Bangor. He's presently doing something he hates, respecting French people. Well, two, his wife and her mother in the lovely town of Antigua, Guatemala. To contact Brendan or give him an exclusive, please contact him at [email protected]

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