Get Off The Bike Fatty, NYC Bike Share Adds Weight Limit of 260 Pounds

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I don’t even know where to start with this. You’re truly “damned if you do or damned if you don’t” in a country as litigious as the United States. On one hand, based on recommendations by Portland manufacturer Alta Bicycle Share, Oregon is essentially forced to include this weight limit to avoid lawsuits from the morbidly obese when they invariably injure themselves or the skateboarder who wipes-out in the trail of sweat left behind them on their “travels.” On the other sweaty-palmed, sausage-fingered hand, NYC and Alta Bicycle Share will face discrimination lawsuits from people who have clearly shown no inclination to ride a bike in the first place.

Get Off The Bike Fatty, NYC Bike Share Adds Weight Limit of 260 Pounds

Ride a bike? Hell, for those of average height who have reached 260 pounds you haven’t just shown a disinclination towards riding a bike, but an unwillingness to pick up a 128 oz high-fructose beverage. Why bother when you can simply rest it on one of those bulges that comprise your stomach and use a straw. A gallon of calorie-free water weighs 8.34 pounds. For the sake of argument, given the carbonation of sodas and the addition of syrups let’s say the gallon of crap you’re putting in your “body” weighs the same. In theory, if you just lifted it on occasion you should never weigh a pound more than 259 pounds. Obviously, this is not scientific nor a recommended exercise regimen.

You don’t need a bike, you need to stop running over my foot with your Rascal. Four hundred pounds of your combined weight on my toe strikes a bigger blow for the obese than jurors laughing at the suggestion that you’re being discriminated against with this proposed rule. Never mind the fact that of the two, only the Rascal allows for safe use when holding a bucket of fried chicken, and the Rascal has cup holders.

Could I lose a few pounds? Yes I could. But are you going to suggest that the wear-and-tear my 5’8″ frame and 155 pounds puts on a SHARED BIKE is equal to yours? It isn’t and I don’t need the bike I’m counting on to break down on me because you love bacon. I love bacon too, I love beer, I also like a nice walk to the store to purchase them.

Remember that stationary bike you bought 10 years ago and used once? Perhaps that and a “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” necklace would be a more reasonable starting point for those offended by these rules that the NYPD has said they won’t enforce.

I didn’t know they had fat people in New York, wait that’s Manhattan. Hell, you could put 2.6 Williamsburg hipsters on that and still have weight to spare.

I don’t hate fat people, I just don’t like people whose heads are in the clouds and they wish it was cotton candy.

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About the Author

Brendan Byrne
While studying economics, Brendan found himself comfortably falling down the rabbit hole of restaurant work, ultimately opening a consulting business and working as a private wine buyer. On a whim, he moved to China, and in his first week following a triumphant pub quiz victory, he found himself bleeding on the floor based on his arrogance. The same man who put him there offered him a job lecturing for the University of Wales in various sister universities throughout the Middle Kingdom. While primarily lecturing in descriptive and comparative statistics, Brendan simultaneously earned an Msc in Banking and International Finance from the University of Wales-Bangor. He's presently doing something he hates, respecting French people. Well, two, his wife and her mother in the lovely town of Antigua, Guatemala. To contact Brendan or give him an exclusive, please contact him at theflask@gmail.com

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