When I initially read this report, my mind immediately drifted to Paul Simon’s “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover.” In 3 minutes 16 seconds, Mr. Simon comes up with, well, fifty ways to leave your lover. Kudos to you Paul, I doubt I will be able to comfortably get into four of the reasons that the “waffle taco” is just wrong in under 400 words.

Taco Bell

Firstly, what happened to having breakfast at home? It’s the easiest meal of the day to prepare, cheap as chips, and a great opportunity to kiss the wife, see the kids off to school, relax with the paper and maybe even save the newspaper industry while getting caught up on the day’s (yesterday’s) events.

A taco should be three, maybe four items and it shouldn’t involve a frickin’ waffle. A taco is a double corn (ok flour might be okay) tortilla with your choice of meat, raw chopped onion, cilantro, and hot sauce. That’s it. Now, I know that tradition can be improved but why mess with the taco? A perfect taco should also be, at least in my mind, either made with al pastor, beef tongue, or chorizo. If you want sour cream, tomatoes, guacamole, cheese, beans, or lettuce buy a burrito. And this one is especially for you Taco Bell, never make a taco out of a large Dorito and call it a shell.  But they will continue to as long as that’s what the philistines want.

Wow, I’m at 236 words and I haven’t mentioned obesity or the NTSB’s suggestions that you should never eat in your car.

In an article yesterday in USA Today, written by Bruce Horowitz the author explains that not only does Taco Bell wish to expand its breakfast offerings but is already testing this deplorable foodstuff, the “waffle taco” in several Southern California locations.

This culinary crime is made from scrambled eggs, a sausage patty and syrup stuffed into a waffle for $0.89. Ok, perhaps I was wrong about breakfast being cheaper at home, but I’m not wrong about this concoction being just wrong.

I’ll be the first to admit that I find a waffle sandwich wrong, but they’ve been around for awhile with a number of versions being produced by fast food outlets like Jack in the Box, Dunkin’ Donuts, and McDonald’s Corporation (NYSE:MCD). What I find a touch ironic is that I have no problem with the “Luther Vandross,” The 2010 Wisconsin State Fair  variation held 1/4-pound Angus beef burger, topped with Wisconsin cheddar cheese and two strips of chocolate-coated-bacon on a toasted Krispy Kreme doughnut bun. And that’s my home state.

“We’re not sure what inspired them to ‘ideate’ their new taco,” said a Jack in the Box spokesman, “unless they tried our waffle breakfast sandwich.” Nothing to be proud of man.