Apple is making shockwaves after recently announcing they will be mandating all users of iPhone to be vaccinated by the end of April or their phone will lock itself until they can prove they have been vaccinated. It is unclear how they will be able to accomplish this task, but the update is being rolled out to every iPhone after iPhone 3, making it affect 99% of iPhone users.
Apple's Mandatory "COVID Vaccine" Update
Apple CEO Tim Cook said in a statement to investors, “Here at Apple we prioritize the health and safety of our customers. Anti-vaccine rhetoric is at an all time high, as such it is our responsibility as a corporation to ensure the health of our customers. As such, it will become mandatory to be vaccinated to use iPhone, Macbooks, Apple Watches and all other smart Apple products. We are doing our part as a business to stop the spread of COVID-19, to any customers who do not wish to take the vaccine will not be able to get a refund for any existing Apple products.”
CNN Host Chris Cuomo praised Apple’s decision on air stating “A genius movie that private corporations should participate in to stop the spread of COVID-19.” Apple stock traded 2% higher After Hours, with analysts stating “Bullish precedent that will force consumers to take the mark of the beast that will force them to buy Apple products without question.”
Article by Osiris Foux
This post first appeared on The Stonk Market
Disclaimer: This is a satirical article.