Buffett Reveals He Uses Tarot Cards To Choose Trades

Warren Buffett, one of the most renowned investors of all time, has revealed he uses Tarot cards and horoscopes when choosing stocks.  He claims this method of fortune telling has been guided by the wisdom of his ancestors in tandem with influences from the cosmos.

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Q2 2020 hedge fund letters, conferences and more

Buffett Reveals He Uses Tarot Cards

When asked he stated, “I have found the secret to harmony with our world. Tarot cards and horoscopes are used to guide the lives of millions of barred out soccer moms every day.  It’s been proven as useful life advice.  All I did was adapt the wisdom of the stars to the market, and my aura has never been tainted in all these years.”

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Buffett recently began selling off his assets and investing in gold, and when asked about that Warren stated he drew cards that warned of illusion and reckoning, and his horoscope told a story of many wealthy individuals becoming poor.  “I didn’t work my whole life to end up in section 8 housing eating ramen and listening to my neighbor snort white powder off the rump of a lady of the night.”

After seeing the success of this investing strategy, I have since decided to begin investing based upon tarot and horoscopes. I am enrolled in the Gypso-Romani school of Hard Knocks in order to read my tarot destiny.  My portfolio, which was down 3% over the year, is now up 35% in the last 3 days, and all credit goes to Annabel Gat addressing my soul in her horoscopes over at Vice.  Virgos unite.

Warren went on to warn of a major disturbance to the natural flow of the world.  This interview was conducted on Oct. 1st, just a day before the POTUS came down with the kung flu.  We can only hope that this time, the greatest fortune teller finance has ever known, is wrong.

Brought to you by, @TheMaxGreene

This satire article first appeared on The Stonk Market