Tesla Divests Automotive Group, Use Proceeds to Invest in Stock

In an unprecedented move, Elon Musk announced via Twitter that Tesla Automotive will be divesting from making cars and using the proceeds to buy back Tesla stock.

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Tesla's stock responded very well to the news rallying to new highs. One Deutsche Bank analyst, who upgraded the stock to Outperform following the news, was quoted as saying “The only thing holding Tesla back from profitability was the fact that it actually had to make automobiles.”

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What Will Tesla Do After Divesting Their Automotive Group?

An infamous short seller posed the question “What will the company actually do if they aren’t going to make cars anymore?”

Elon Musk responded to his tweet with a picture of himself using a Tesla Flamethrower on a pair of cargo shorts. He later mentioned that he believed the stock was a deep-value play at $1,600 a share. “Now the company doesn’t have to focus on boring things like making cars, we can put our full attention into making sure the stock price goes up.”

In an interview with CNBC, famous Tesla ‘Investor’ Ross Gerber went on the record to say, “Now that Tesla has sold its core business, they can focus on adapting to whatever trendy bubble the stock market is pumping at a much quicker rate. Imagine a company that could move from Biotech in 2015 to Bitcoin in 2016.”

PWC Stands Firmly Behind This Move

Tesla’s audit firm PWC stands firmly behind this move as it makes their life significantly easier. An undisclosed partner of the firm went on record with us to say it now will be much easier expensing his Mar-A-Lago membership directly against Tesla’s goodwill as opposed to hiding it in the factory-gated vehicle line item.

It is believed that Tesla won’t actually sell any of its remaining inventory, instead it will hold them as “collectors items” & mark them all to the value of where the last vehicle sold in a collectors auction. By doing so it is believed Elon can buy one 2019 Model 3 -panel gap edition, for $1m and increase the value of Tesla’s inventory by approximately $1bn.

Famed investor Bill Ackman is thought to be the mastermind behind the change, saying “I haven’t seen a company this great since Luckin Coffee.

Jeb

This satire article burst appeared on The Stonk Market