Powell Bans Gold Trading, Urges SEC Probe Into “Manipulated Market”

In a stunning move, stonk market hero and Fed chief printing engineer Jerome Powell has issued a countrywide ban on gold trading.

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Q2 2020 hedge fund letters, conferences and more

The Reasons For Powell Banning Gold Trading

Among reasons cited for the move, the Fed noted the limited supply of precious metals, which made the asset class “fundamentally unfair to everyday investors” and even “morally bankrupt.”

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The Fed also launched an SEC probe into the sector, arguing that recent gains in precious metals like gold and silver were suspicious given the recent rise in the stonk market.

“Enough is enough,” a sweaty but altogether handsome Powell said during a press conference. “Due to its limited supply and capital appreciation potential, this is an inherently dangerous market. We have to step in to stop investors from buying the wrong securities. We plan to implement a ban on precious metals trading.

“If investors want to put their money somewhere safe, we have a place for that. It’s called Tesla.”

The Fed’s Radical Policies

One reporter asked if the Fed’s radical policies were encouraging risky speculation when investors could be protecting their wealth against central bank inflation. But upon hearing the word “inflation,” Powell began vomiting violently and bleeding from the ears. He then demanded the reporter be removed from the press conference before continuing.

Wiping his mouth with a crisp Benjamin, Powell continued. “The Fed sees no signs of excess or inflation in this market, and anyone who disagrees – whether verbally, or by buying heinous garbage like precious metals – should be shot on sight.”

Gold spot prices skyrocketed to $3,000 an ounce on the news, and several FOMC members reportedly suffered serious strokes in response.

This satirical article first appeared on The Stonk Market