During a YouTube livestream from a bathroom at an undisclosed location, Ray Dalio looked into the camera and reminded viewers, “I’m not just rich, I’m also socially relevant.”
“I’m looking at these protests, and these calls to defund the police, thinking ’how can I insert myself into this conversation?’ That’s when I realized that police departments need a beautiful deleveraging,” said Dalio. “And I swear this isn’t just the Ambien talking.”
“Don’t get me wrong – I love surveillance, obviously,” he said from his bathroom. “But I also respect the radical transparency of the protesters. And didn’t this all start over a counterfeit bill? Let me repeat: cash is trash.”
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Dalio, who runs the world’s largest hedge fund, has recently begun publishing books, creating a turf war with other investor-philosophers.
“Dalio? When I was fled the Nazis, I ate pieces of poop like Dalio for breakfast,” says George Soros. “Literally. Capitalists talk about the law of the jungle, dog eat dog, cannibalism, and so on, which is patronizing to those of us who have actually tasted human flesh. And pieces of poop.”
Dalio insists that he belongs in the rarified air of those who are no longer merely rich.
“I wrote ‘Principles’ because you can’t purchase immortality, so you have to write a book,” said Dalio. “Think of the Bible: it’s got to be vague enough to apply to multiple situations, but specific enough that people feel like it has meaning.”
“Pain, plus reflection, equals progress,” Dalio continued. “Tragedy, plus time, equals comedy. See? I’m just updating wise phrases. You could do the same, but you’re not rich. Who would care? Haha.”
Dalio further expanded his thinking in a stream-of-consciousness rant.
“Martin Luther King talked about his check coming back marked ‘insufficient funds’, but I think maybe it was the bank’s fault? Was that his point? What’s that phrase from World War 2, first they came for the other guy’s bank, but it wasn’t my bank, so I didn’t care? Are we all account holders with the same god? George Soros sucks!”
He then passed out.
Written by Nate Borgman
This article is a satire piece