Bill Ackman leads rioting in NYC to benefit his retail shorts

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NEW YORK CITY – Hedge fund manager, Bill Ackman, was spotted last night leading a hoard of 10,000 angry rioters down the streets of 5th Avenue.  Reports indicate that Ackman was persuading looters to steal and destroy as much as possible.  Sources suggest that Ackman lead and instigated rioters solely to profit from his retail shorts.  Bill Ackman is the founder of Perishing Square Capital Management a hedge fund with assets under management (“AUM”) of $8 billion.

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Julia Miller, a financial reporter with The Wall Street Journal noted that Ackman lead rioters with a  burning torch down the streets of Fifth Avenue.  Once on Fifth Avenue Ackman handed out Herbalife Nutrition (“HLF”) products to anyone who looted and destroyed a retail store.

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Bill Ackman Handing Out Herbalife Products To Rioters

Cassandra Williams, local rioter stated the following, “I followed this thin, silver haired man with a burning torch that was handing out Herbalife products as an incentive to loot high-end retail stores.  Not only did I get a massive amount of dietary products but I helped destroy part of the ‘cog’ in the capitalistic system that ties me down.”

Other notable investors have taken Ackman’s lead.  Andrew Left, founder of Citron Research was reported to buy rioters several M1 Abram tanks in hopes of destroying the entire world.  Ben Axler, another well known short seller, has urged rioters to loot as much WD-40 as possible.  Even small time individual short sellers have taken to the streets to help profit their shorts.

The question remains, is a new breed of activist investors emerging?  The answer is yes.  With markets seemingly making new highs every day, short sellers need to start creating their own destiny.  And the best way to forge your own destiny?  Actively burn down the business you are short.

With Bill Ackman’s net short position in the retail sector Perishing Square’s investors stand to benefit.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article.

This article first appeared on The Stonk Market