Tila Tequila Knows Best: Paul Walker Was Killed In Ritualistic Murder

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I rarely spend much time with batsh*t crazy, semi-attractive woman from the Vietnam/Singapore area outside of Saigan’s brothels or private web browsing windows, but Tila Tequila has forced me to rethink that based on some recent craziness coming out of her mouth, rather than something going into it regarding Paul Walker’s death.

Paul Walker’s death

While I took some heat for my writing about Walker’s death last week, this utter crazy speak by a woman who’s name sounds like a lizard that lives amongst agave plants should cool that fire. More than I can say for the crotch fire that one would expect if they were to take a Shot at Love With Tila Tequila. There will be shots involved but more than likely something from the penicillin family. I would have trouble having sex with her with my worst enemy’s penis.

Sure, she was once the star of A Shot at Love and the most “friended” MySpace user in history cum-conspiracy theorist following her stint in rehab. (Sure, I could have used “turned” but I prefer my brief yet fluid, pun intended, description of this train/car wreck.) I’m unwilling to use this human garbage as my primary case for why rehab doesn’t work, I will, however, say that when I went to rehab I learned the “Serenity Prayer” and made some amends. Ms. Tequila, if she deserves that title (that sounds like a beautiful woman from Jalisco, Mexico who just wowed judges with both her swimsuit and talent round) seems to have taken something else from rehab…a crazy woman’s need for relevance only found in the recesses of her less than evolved brain.

In a long Facebook post, Tila wrote about the death of Elsa Lam, the 21-year-old Vancouver native whose body was found wedged into a water tank atop a Los Angeles hotel in February.

Wait for it, this is good stuff.

“I believe I am the only person on this entire planet who knows what happened,” the reality star wrote of Lam’s death. “I knew it the first time news of the strange video started circulating the Internet weeks ago. I have just kept my mouth shut because there is a lot more to it … I just did not want to draw any attention to myself but I know exactly why they did it and yes it was indeed a ritualistic murder. Just like Paul Walker’s.”

Wait, wait, wait…..What? And it gets better, I’m just wishing she commented on the Kennedy assassination.

“I was debating on weather [note the spelling] or not I should blog about it [If that’s indicative of your writing chops, NO!!] as I did not want to have anything to do with it, except for the fact that this ritual murder was directly linked to my ritual murder last year,” [Was this very alive woman murdered?]  “So … kinda makes it hard for me to talk about.”

Wow, wow, and wow.

I would tell this woman to “shut up,” if and only if as Ms. Tequila claims those that tell her to shut up are “heavily involved in occult ritual sacrifices here and they fear me telling the world about how they murder people ritualistically.”

When it comes to Tila Tequila that serenity prayer is now in the front of my memory…

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Or simply ritualistically kill me so I can live in a world without this delusional trollop.

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About the Author

Brendan Byrne
While studying economics, Brendan found himself comfortably falling down the rabbit hole of restaurant work, ultimately opening a consulting business and working as a private wine buyer. On a whim, he moved to China, and in his first week following a triumphant pub quiz victory, he found himself bleeding on the floor based on his arrogance. The same man who put him there offered him a job lecturing for the University of Wales in various sister universities throughout the Middle Kingdom. While primarily lecturing in descriptive and comparative statistics, Brendan simultaneously earned an Msc in Banking and International Finance from the University of Wales-Bangor. He's presently doing something he hates, respecting French people. Well, two, his wife and her mother in the lovely town of Antigua, Guatemala. To contact Brendan or give him an exclusive, please contact him at theflask@gmail.com

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