Now, I would like to take a Russian gun and shoot Steven Seagal in his expansive face, something that is growing on par with the Russian arms industry. My reasoning? It’s Steven Seagal. This man has been in more bad movies than that “Ernest Goes to Camp” guy. What the hell was his name? Exactly. Ok, I know it was Jim Varney but he’s been as forgettable as Steven Seagal…until that is…the Boston Marathon attacks.

Steven_Seagal

He’s also recently been showing off his Chechen dance moves that border on the epileptic. You must have a watch. This “dancing” and trip to Chechnya came from a recent trip to the beleaguered Russian region.

See, Steven Seagal is Russian. A man who was once quoted as saying, “I’m Russian, I love Russia, I love Russian people, and I love your president. I really like that he does so much to support martial arts in Russia.”

What Vladamir Putin and Steven Seagal have in common I don’t know. Actually, they both have an over-inflated view of their toughness and both seem to be stuck in the 80’s. It’s no wonder why they get along so well.

Only Steven Seagal can make Dennis Rodman’s diplomatic missions seem helpful. Or so I thought before reading the following from a U.S. congressman sent to investigate the Boston bombings, or at least to get his picture in the paper. “There is nothing specific that could’ve been done that we can point to that, had it been done differently, would’ve prevented this,” said Rep. Dana Rohrabacher, the Republican from California who led the delegation.

He added that without Seagal the delegation may not have been able to meet Deputy Prime Minister Dmitri Rogozin, “I don’t know if he would have been available to us without Steven actually suggesting that he do that,” he told reporters. “We are very pleased that he opened up some doors for us so we could have some very high level discussions.”

When speaking of Chechan leader Ramzan Kadyrov, a man who was criticized in the State Department’s latest annual human rights report for his heavy-handed anti-terrorism tactics, including abductions and burning the houses of the families of suspected terrorists, Seagal had some interesting things to say including, “I just think its fascinating to see all the accusations that are being thrown around and I’ve asked many many people ‘Hey, is there any evidence of this or has he been indicted?’ Because there’s a big difference between wild speculations and accusations and then facts.”

“I’m friends with many presidents of many countries and there’s rumors about all of them,” he added.

While that in and of itself is just bizarre, the most bizarre quote regarding Seagal this month goes not to Seagal but to Deputy Prime Minister Dmitry Rogozin who envisions Seagal as the face of the Russian arms industry.

“You’re ready to fight American (manufacturers) with your teeth and your intellect, and if Americans are prepared to promote and support you, that says we’re learning new ways to work on corporate warfare markets,” Rogozin said.

Wow. That’s some proper gibberish. Not yet?