I walk a fine line as an alcoholic who derogatorily refers to anyone I don’t like as either a monkey or a muppet. No disrepect to Frank Oz or my spell-checker, but I meant muppet, not Muppet. It makes no sense to capitalize an insult. It makes no sense for the English to shorten the word “mathematics” and then add an “s” and call it maths. Why would you shorten something and then immediately add to it? The written word doesn’t allow me to explain the difference between pronunciations of “aluminum,” but know I pronounce it correctly. States’ denizens, like myself, forget that extra “i.” I digress. My point was, and I live in a country of brown people, that I drink a lot and only use these two words to describe those I don’t like. In this politically correct world, monkey is reserved for white people. Any color on their skin and I’m deemed a racist if I don’t correctly use monkey.

Justin Bieber monkey

Justin Bieber is a monkey. No racism there, just a profound dislike of anything that comes out of his mouth … spoken or sung.

Imagine my surprise today when I heard that the Canadian monkey actually has monkey problems.

Mally, the monkey’s capuchin monkey, was seized by German customs on March 28 when Bieber, 19, failed to produce required vaccination and import papers after landing in Munich while on tour.

I know, but if I was 19 and rich I would probably have a monkey as well. Or five, something that monkeyologists suggest he should have.

Yes, I made up the word monkeyologist, but Munich’s Animal Control Center directer Karl Heinz Joachim said the same.

“The best thing would be not to buy one at all, but if you do, buy five.”

The reason this makes news? The Germans are angry. Look out France. The care of this monkey is costing Munich thousands of Euros. And they aren’t interested in footing the bill. The idea of using a large portion of your budget to have feces hurled at you doesn’t work.

“Our contact is the person that the monkey belongs to,” said Munich customs spokesman Thomas Meister. “We’ve had contact with lots of people but none of them was an authorised representative.”

My advice to you Mr. Meister? Talk to the monkey’s monkey, whichever they turn out to be.