I can’t be alone in finding this horse meat “scandal” hilarious. This does not come from the fact that I’m a vegetarian, quite the contrary; I would eat a vegetarian before becoming one.  Ironically, I wouldn’t eat a vegan because I find that most cuts taste of self-righteousness.

horse meat

As some of you may know from my past writings, I live abroad and what U.S television I watch I generally download from torrent sites and those programs arrive commercial free.

However, while I don’t have a satellite I do receive an ABC and a CBS affiliate on my cable plan. This means that on occasion I watch “The Big Bang Theory” or “Modern Family” in addition to sports live with commercials. While I’m a U.S. Citizen raised in the “oh so healthy” state of Wisconsin where deep-fried cheese curds are de rigeur and available as a substitution in all but the finest of dining establishments, I was scandalized by what you’re eating.

I left the States ten years ago; I know what the McRib and the McNugget are. Well, in theory I do. The Baconator? Really? And may I ask, how much dope do you have to smoke to put down the Xbox controller and drive to Denny’s for a serving of Potachos? This is not righteous indignation, hell, it may even be envy. I’m on my second beer and it is just past noon (Don’t worry my editor works on a sliding scale of pay and difficulty as the afternoon progresses).

My understanding is that we also slipped the “Monsanto Protection Act” into the Agricultural Appropriations Bill last week in a bit of shifty backroom dealing.

So my question is this, (not for you America) that’s right, Europe, I’m asking you in a manner so nearly sung by the great Tina Turner, “What’s Horse Meat Got to Do with It?”

Have you seen what people are eating on the other side of the Atlantic? We have an Oreo Pizza, and you’re worried about a little horse meat? You call this a scandal? A real scandal involving horses is having Dustin Hoffman’s television debut shutdown by PETA following the deaths of three horses during the filming of HBO’s “Luck.” Thoroughbreds die when they run, but it’s good to know you won’t let that sweet meat go to waste.

OK, so it’s not a “little” horsemeat. Wait, it’s what? 50,000 tons of horse tainted Dutch beef. Most of which, though recalled, has already been eaten? That’s genius.

“It might contain traces of horsemeat, but we don’t know for certain at the moment if this is the case,” said Esther Filon, a spokeswoman for the Dutch food authority. Well there you go, nothing to worry about ‘you’ horse eaters.

Let’s see 50,000 tons, that’s 100,000,000 pounds or 400,000,000 quarter-pound patties. Yes, I’m well aware that you use the metric system but I have a mixed audience and from every study I’ve read you have better math skills.

The Baconator from The Wendy’s Co (NASDAQ:WEN) requires two quarter-pound patties. That means you could have 200,000,000 Baconators; I do, however, suggest you make them over there. You have horse in your beef but I’ve heard the United States is facing a bacon scandal. Apparently, a good amount of it is tainted with turkey and these two chemicals called tempeh and seitan.

Don’t worry about the latter, I hear it’s being used less now that 80 percent of America is blaming all their problems on their new-found gluten intolerance.