When I first read this study, I was immediately transported back to simpler times. Times when a Republican could right an article entitled “How to Drive Fast On Drugs While Getting Your Wing-Wang Squeezed And Not Spill Your Drink.” What happened to American’s inability to multitask? What happened to our ability to drive? I blame NASCAR.What happened to playgrounds where our children could get hurt, albeit while learning valuable lessons? And lastly, What happened to the Republican Party?

Texting and driving

It goes without saying that texting and driving is a bad idea. Don’t do it. Just don’t. Job Done.

The reason I’m reminding of the Sage O’Rourke? The first paragraph of the aforementioned article from his book Repulican Party Reptile…..Something I read when, I dare say, I was 13 years old. That’s 27 years and a monumental indictment of who we’ve become.

When it comes to taking chances, some people like to play poker or shoot dice; other people prefer to parachute-jump, go rhino hunting, or climb ice floes, while still others engage in crime or marriage. But I like to get drunk and drive like a fool. Name me, if you can, a better feeling than the one you get when you’re half a bottle of Chivas in the bag with a gram of coke up your nose and a teenage lovely pulling off her tube top in the next seat over while you’re going a hundred miles an hour down a suburban side street. You’d have to watch the entire Mexican air force crash-land in a liquid petroleum gas storage facility to match this kind of thrill. If you ever have much more fun than that, you’ll die of pure sensory overload, I’m here to tell you.

Okay, so I mentioned a study. It turns out that researchers who state the obvious are truly over-funded. It also turns out:

  • Just short of 69 percent of Americans aged 18 to 64 admitted to talking on a cell phone while driving at least once in the past 30 days.
  • This number is considerably lower throughout Europe, with the Brits, known for their orderly queuing are the least likely to text while driving, the French don’t seem to mind, and the Spanish economy makes it less likely for a Spaniard to be in a car.
  • Through the years 2001-2007, according to a study by the University of North Texas Health Science Center using data from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, 16,000 people died do to cell phone distractions.
  • “While U.S. states differ in their cell phone use laws, nearly all European countries have hand-held bans in place, yet there is still a large variation in European estimates,” wrote Rebecca Naumann and Ann Dellinger of the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control.

I chalk this study up to two things:

  1. Americans spend far too much time watching rednecks turn left (NASCAR), and far too little time watching Steve McQueen handle Lombard Street, or alternatively, Formula One. We’ve lost our ability to drive and do other things in the car…… besides eating in the car.
  2. The Republican party spends far to much time worrying about women’s uteri and needs to return to the day when it had some balls(and a teenage lovely). They would get my vote.